And then I wasn't

One day I was truly over it: mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Weeks passed and I was no longer worried about you— where you might be, who you were possibly with, if you found another girl.

My life no longer revolved around you.

Felt confident that I moved on.

I was the happiest girl in the world.

And then I wasn’t.

One night; two weeks ago, was the first time in MONTHS where I was genuinely sad about our ending. Upset you could not act right.

Felt guilty because I am no longer in love with you. After all of this time apart, my love for you has faded away.

Our pictures are hidden away in a box. I put them there to help move on. Did not want to be constantly reminded of you during the process.

Well, that night I decided to take them out. Memories from our weekend in California brought tears to my eyes. We watched the sunset at Capitola. Flew over Napa Valley in a hot air balloon. Ate pizza on the beach. Drove down the Pacific Coast Highway together. At that point in time, we were struggling. Our relationship was damaged. I think we both knew deep down that we would never be the same young, rebellious kids as we once were when we fell in love. And for some reason, despite all of that, you still decided to spend my birthday weekend with me in CA.

I have the polaroid picture from Pictured Rocks. Your hair was still shaggy. We were on a picnic together. I made ham sandwiches and brought chips along. You brought your DS for some reason. Not sure why I remember any of the small details, but it is unbelievable how many memories were brought back by a simple picture of you looking back and smiling at me.

The harsh truth about moving on is: it is not easy. Does not mean it is impossible. Just have to take it day by day. One day I will be THRIVING without you and the next I find myself crying to “Sleep on the Floor” by The Lumineers.

Sometimes when I watch That 70s Show I think about the time I snuck into your room while you were grounded during the Jones County Fair and we watched it together. You were grounded because we got possessions at the fair the previous week. Too funny

I think of you when I see a hot air balloon in the sky.

and when I am at the farmers market.

Listening to The 1975 brings back years of memories. Slow dancing in your room to The 1975 after we skipped my senior homecoming dance, just because you knew that high school dances disgust me. The way we would sing our hearts out to their music on road trips! My very first vinyl for my record player is The 1975; you bought it for me.

Chicken Alfredo was what held our relationship together at points. Not like, actually, but we loved to eat Italian food together.

Even at ice cream shops, I stumble across cookie dough on the menu and remember that was your favorite flavor. During the summer months, we would walk around downtown and check out the ice cream shops. The backbone of our relationship during the summer of 2017.

McDonalds is near my house, and sometimes I get flashbacks to our late night runs to Anamosa to grab McDonalds. Oh yuck, we would always regret that afterwards. We would order food, sit in the parking lot, and talk in your truck for hours.

The youngest boy I nanny for, his best friend shares the same name as you. It’s hard not to think about you when he mentions his friend, which is quite often.

Just hearing the word Utah makes me think of you. How you are off creating a new life for yourself. At a time, you wanted me to give up traveling and move there. We always talked about moving away together. Getting the heck out of Iowa. Who would have thought we would actually do it...

but not together.

If you ever find yourself reading this, I truly hope you are happy. I am proud of you for leaving small town Iowa and seeing the world. Although our story ended, and I am still upset at you, I wish you the best. Someday I will be ready to talk to you again as friends. Years from now, though. We will laugh about how life has changed and share stories from our teenage years. Talk about what beautiful beginnings opened up for us as soon as we decided to let go. You will have to remind me of our memories, because I am already starting to forget the little moments I once fantasized over. Thought I would remember those forever. You do know how my memory is, though: sh*t.

Moving on process has not been easy, but after a year and a half of manipulation and a toxic on/off relationship, I am finally towards the end. I have found closure in the best way I can, but there are moments where I lose it. Falls through my fingers. It’s weird because I do not miss our relationship. I do not miss the boy who you turned into. But I do miss the feeling of having a boyfriend and best friend. Going on dates and having an intimate connection with someone: I miss that. Maybe I am moved on but just lonely. Who knows, hormones literally have a mind of their own.

Before I end this blog, I just want to thank you for everything:

being my first boyfriend,

giving me some of the best three and a half years of my life,

making every new aspect of our relationship meaningful (at the beginning),

accepting my flaws, my crazy family, and parts of me that I am not comfortable showing others,

creating close bonds with my friends; I loved our friendship groups during our time together,

for loving me SO much at a time that our love for each other lit up rooms,

all of the uncontrollable laughter and inside jokes.

but most importantly, thank you for cheating on my while I was in California. thank you for manipulating me for years; making it impossible for me to move on. somehow managed to turn me into competition with a freshman in high school while I was in college. thanks for that? thanks for hurting me to the point that I decided to move to California to get away from you. (although I was dumb and crawled back afterwards- hence the first sentence!)

because of you, I moved away. learned to love myself. met my very best friends. found a passion for traveling. have met people from all across the world. nanny for the best family I could ever ask for. realized my worth and how I deserve to be loved. none of these opportunities would have opened up for me if it was not for you.

Some nights I think about the “what if’s.” I wonder how different things would be IF you could have acted right. What life would have been like IF you got accepted to Iowa State University and we stayed there together. IF I did not break up with you my senior year.

And then I remember not everyone whose path intertwines with mine is meant for me to follow. We were temporary; a temporary that felt like forever.

I would still be in Iowa if you acted right and got accepted to ISU. California would not be my home. The family I nanny for would just be another family from California and my best friends would be strangers. Oregon, Hawaii, Colorado, Arizona, and California would just be a few more places to cross off my bucket list.

Sometimes I enjoy reminiscing over how different life would be...if we were meant to be. Fantasize over what could have been. But, I enjoy my life without you more than any of those dumb fantasies. None of this would have been possible without our ending. Life opened up for me when I finally chose to walk away.

And by creating an opportunity as amazing as this for me, by breaking my heart and mistreating me, I just want to say thank you.